Book Review: Why Greatness Cannot Be Planned: The Myth of The Objective

And I came across the opportunity to work two full-time jobs to help me achieve this goal faster. I knew that there would be sacrifices that I would have to make: less time with my son, sleep deprivation, added stress... But the pros..... the money. The money was good. The money was PHENOMENAL. I miss it at times.... I told myself that, yes, there would be sacrifices that I had to make, but it would only be for a short period of time, as it would help me achieve the goal that I set for me and my son. I was so desperate because of the ambitious objective that I placed on myself. And working both jobs gave me the opportunity to make things a LOT more easy for me, financially. But it came with a cost that I realized I wasn't willing to sacrifice: my son. 

In the few months that I worked both jobs, I found myself spending barely anytime with my son. Not the time quality time that he was used to. My time with my son is already split, as myself and his father have a shared custody arrangement where he alternates weekly between his father and I. Now, I am grateful that me and his father are both equally active and present in his life, for not all kids are that fortunate. I was one of those kids. But when you have to go weeks at a time without your child... well....it's still a feeling that I wouldn't wish on anyone, parent or child. And with my child only being with me for a limited time, I have always tried to focus on spending the most quality time with him that I am able to provide. I mean, why wouldn't I? I have an entire week to myself when he is gone. So shouldn't my time with him be focused on him? Well, with me working both jobs, I wasn't able to do that. And I saw how much it affected my son, as it even negatively impacted his behavior at his school. 

I had decided to have a talk with my son to explain to him in which I essentially said, "I know you're upset because you see mommy a little less. But I want you to know that you are seeing me less because mommy is working two jobs so that way I can get us all of the money in the world and so that I can buy you a big home. I want to be able to take you on the trips that you want to go to and so I can buy all of the toys in the world. So, mommy needs you to be a big boy okay. I need you to be patient." And of course, he was happy. I had told him that I would be able to buy him whatever he wanted. So what child wouldn't be happy? After I had that conversation with my son, I put him to bed and cried to myself in the shower shortly afterwards. 

I hated myself for having that conversation with him. In all of my five years of parenting, I felt that that was the worst thing I had ever done as a parent thus far. Now to anyone else, this may not seem like a big deal. I technically didn't do anything wrong. I had a "gentle-parent" moment where I tried to be honest and I prayed that my son would be understanding, and he was. And the conversation went well. So what was the problem, you ask? 

The problem was that I had bribed my son to accept something that he was naturally and instinctually not okay with (and I know this because of his changed behaviors) in order for him and myself to gain some material means of this world. I tried to force my son to grow up. And all I could think about were the times were I was forced to "grow up" as a child unwontedly. I wanted him to get over how he felt so that I could achieve the dreams that I wanted for us. I said that I was doing everything for him. But if that was true, then why did I feel so horrible after the conversation?  Because in truth, I was doing it for myself. It was the first selfish move that I had ever made as a parent. There's so much that I desire for myself and for my son. And I had been in constant state of strategizing about how I could achieve all of my goals on my own, without anyone's help, now and possibly never. I had written off dating and relationships for quite sometime because of being lied to and misled countless of times. So I thought at the time that it would be soley up to me to provide my son the life that I had desired for him. 

All of those pressures I placed on myself began to weigh on me and the only time I was able to let out how I felt was in those showers. I realized that I was one of the people who chose money over family. And I cracked... 

Would I be looked as a failure to others because I was not able to successfully figure out how to maintain both jobs? What did that say about me as a person? What does all that is happening say about me as a mother? Am I a fool for passing up on so much money? Will I be alone forever trying to figure this out? I would say that I didn't want the opinions of others to affect me. But in truth, it wasn't the opinions of others that I was worried about. The truth is that these questions where the self-thoughts that I was having with myself when I looked at my own reflection in the mirror. I was scared of my own reflection. I was scared to acknowledge that I was tired. My soul was tired. And I was broke down. 

In hindsight, I needed that moment to happen to me, because it changed everything for me. I quit my second job and decided that I no longer wanted to uphold myself to all of the standards and expectations that I placed on myself. I was so objective driven and focused on trying to secure my future, and I found that it was actually causing more harm than good. The amount of stress that I unknowingly built on my soul and my body was massive. It was suffocating me. And I had realized that I needed to let some things go in order to breathe again. I had even got the mindfulness symbol tattoo (view picture below) after my revelation to remind me to trust and be aware of the present, not the future or the past. A good definition that I found online says, "Mindfulness is a method of watching over our hearts and minds so that we are not fooled by inaccurate thoughts, so that we can maintain a clear perspective, and so that we can receive the good gifts that each moment has to offer. It is a method of opening ourselves authentically to God's healing presence." This is a good definition for those who want to understand the symbol a little further. And this is also where this book comes into play. 

This is a good book and it has a good concept that allows readers to challenge mainstream thinking. And it can definitely aid in spiritual and mental development. However, what I will say is that book was almost "too smart", as you have to remember it was written by two computer engineers. There was a lot of complex, but circular language, as there was a lot of redundancy in the focus topics within the chapters. Some chapters felt like the authors were saying the same thing over and over and over again. It was a good book overall, though I would only recommend to advanced readers who were intentional about challenging mainstream concepts or who are on a growth journey like myself. But, I must say that this book came into my life at the perfect moment for me. It gave me the acknowledgement that I needed for my soul to move towards peace. And for that, this book has served its purpose.  

So as I said before,  I realized that it was time for me to leave my second job. I had to understand that, before, I was trying to naturally take on my household as if I could be two adults in my house, and this was not the proper way to do it. Shoot, if I'm being honest, this is something that I didn't want to do at all and I was ready to retire my hyper-independence, even if it meant that I had to make changes to how I would achieve my goals and dreams. I understood that this was not the way to go about it. 

The amount of love and time that I dedicate to my son is something that I will NEVER apologize for. For if I am nothing else, I am an EXCELLENT mother. And any success I have will NEVER be at the expense of the happiness of my son. 

"Family > Money" - Babyface Ray