Poem: Mirror

I originally wrote this poem on August 23, 2023, it was during one of those times of my lows. The overall emotion that I can remember about that time was frustration. I was frustrated with everything that was happening at that time. I was frustrated with my job, because I had felt like I had to pretend to love a job because of the "opportunity"; but I hated it. I was frustrated with my dating life. It was just too many instances of dealing with people who actually pretend themselves, but about intentions. I was frustrated with my personal life. My son wasn't happy. So I wasn't happy. Enough said. I wasn't happy with a friendship. I had realized that I was outgrowing a friendship, because of pretending and false intentions as well. So yes, the more I reflect, the overall feeling was frustration. 

I was so frustrated to the point to where it was making me cry. You know how some people have tears flow when they get extremely heated? Yeah, that's me. I don't just be mad. I be FRUSTRATED. Because I'm usually always holding back in that moment. At that point, it's like I can feel myself walking a fine line, and I can feel the weight of me continuing to hold myself back from really doing what I want to do, or more oftenly, saying what I want to say, or oppositely, unleashing those restraints. 

Now, it is so easy to have this type of moment when you're feeling frustrated by someone else. But have you ever gave yourself the chance to have this type of moment when you're feeling frustrated with yourself? Now, before I go further, let me just say that this is only an exercise that you need to try when you are at a point when you are ready to take accountability. Accountability, practiced in a truthful way, leads to change, to the evolved version of yourself that you seek. It's a matter of realizing that you are ready to take certain steps in your life to drive change. It's a matter of realizing that it's often four steps forward and one step back, but on average, as long as the steps keep progressing positively, the backward steps will diminish. It's about commitment. You can't be afraid of your shadow. You can't be afraid of acknowledging the darkness in you that you feel. Darkness isn't always just about evilness. We boast on the things like happiness, being in love, success, joy, peace. But there also things that lurk in our shadows, like sadness, loneliness, uneasiness, confusion, etc. These emotions also exist in the darkness. They exist.

With humanity, I have never understood why we try so hard to suppress and ignore those emotions. And we neglect them to the point of where it's causing stress on the endorphins that secretes from our brain. Now, I know all of us aren't science people. And for those who aren't, "Endorphins are the body's natural painkillers and "feel-good" chemicals, released in response to pain, stress, or pleasurable activities, helping to relieve pain, reduce stress, and improve mood and well-being." Plainly speaking, ignoring the negative emotions that we feel leads not only to mental health issues, but also even our physical health. You'd be surprise how much we directly hurt our body and mind because we ignore the stress that we feel. Or even take a moment to step outside of yourself and think about how we ignore our children's stress that they feel, and it leads to them having a mental health disorder or episode. Depression is real. And in fact, we all feel it. We all go through episodes of depression. And I don't say this to negate the gravity that each individual may feel. What I am saying is, I think we can all help fight our depressions by understanding the root of it, and being bold and brave enough to take steps (whatever they may be) to drive change for ourselves. Take the steps you need to channel and work through your stress. Make the hard and uncomfortable change. It may work for you, it may not. But you will never know unless you are fearless in trying. Most often, it is us living in fear that holds us back the most. 

When I wrote this poem, I gave myself one of the moments. Too often we are scared to look ourselves in the eye to speak the truth to ourselves. I've learned to give myself this moment. But I have also been learning to use this moment to drive change for myself and become fearless about it, one day at a time. Sometimes, I go back to this page in my book of poems because I like to remind myself of how I felt in this moment, and I ask myself, "Am I taking the steps that I need to take to make sure I am not moving towards this feeling again?" 

I always tell my baby boy, Be bold and brave. So I encourage you, don't be afraid to look yourself in the mirror. Have the conversation that needs to be had. Make the changes that need to made. 

I present to you: Mirror.